Regret......

Sometimes in life we become so blindfolded about things that we love and run after, that we forget to see in what ways is it corrupting us……and at the end of it all, we never find the things we were actually running after, because it was never ours anyway, but we end up becoming something that we were actually not.

So one fine day when we realize that a wild goose chase has done us no good, it has infact consumed all our energy and vibrancy, it has made us do bad to people who actually cared, who were there with us all along, but we never noticed them because we took them for granted in this maddening chase, we realize that they all have already moved too far, and you are left with nothing, no energy, vibrancy or trust from people who actually cared.

So what do you do then?

Apologize to people whom you have hurt badly?

That won’t be the solution I guess…..

the best thing possible that could be done now is to pave the way that you broke while running, putting each stone step by step, making sure that nobody ever falls again from the road of trust that you have built.

And maybe that would be the best thing that you could do for people who actually cared.

Amen!!

Who will Cry when you cry...

Have you ever thought and thought over something so much, that it hurt??????
So much so ,that it leaves you staring at the ceiling wondering if you're on the verge of going insane........ Sometimes all you see is all pervading madness around you, even though its ironically just confined to the realms of your head. You've tried looking at things with an open-mind so much so that you feel that your head's almost falling apart from all that open-ness.....

You feel like you're losing it and are dying for some perspective....
Any perspective, as long as its not yours b'coz you've had too much of that and it actually kills you....
You start to act all clandestine hoping that someone picks up signals and listens to what you're not saying....
Sometimes that doesn't really work, so you try to reach out to you're friends and talk to them, ask them if you are losing it after all, without having them be all judgmental and think that you're on a one way trip to banana-land..
But it isn't all that easy finding a listener, is it????
Who do you confide in? Not all you're million friends are listeners.

The difference between the both hits you like a bus on the road now....... Problems in life aren't rare, so everyone may not be particularly generous in sympathizing with you. You don't blame them though- after all, to each his problem..... You therefore start convincing yourself into not making a big deal out of this and just wait patiently till your head stops spinning. Which it doesn't.....So you just wait, for nothing actually....
Yet amidst all this, someone finds you- a friend, a not-so friend, a random guy who sat beside you on the white bench at the park, someone on your friend's list you haven't struck a conversation with, someone you don't know..... Someone you have absolutely no pretensions with, someone who makes you just split wide open, someone you can just talk to- without the slightest iota fear or shame, someone who breaks the dam, someone who thinks and puts your perspective in place..... Someone who's like a ray of light in that tunnel.....Someone who listens.....

Things that scared you all this while now start to make some sense, if not all, with a lil bit of help from someone.... Any someone....
The clarity you missed all this while brings a smile to your face, You feel like its rained on your garden after years.... You know that it is possible to share some things with some people and not end up feeling like a fool at the end of it.
And suddenly life doesn't seem all that bad..... Life isnt really all that bad come to think of it.
Its all about finding someone though.....just that SOMEONE!!!

RANDOM...

Childhood…well, my childhood was amazing… caring and most adorable parents…protective elder sister…when I still look at those photographs I can make out that everyone in the family loved me from the very start…I myself remember some foggy images of that times…seriously childhood was fun… when what you care the most in the world is for your ma’s arms, your father’s shoulder and dancing with your sister, having your beloveds around always to pamper you…


My grandmother was the most generous lady I ever saw…I have never even saw getting more older… just few white hairs and some wrinkles as I remembered…always hymning some bhajan which was melodious indeed…but the lyrics seemed so tough I never cared to remember them though… but she always tried with a kind smile to teach us the verse… I have seen for years like this simply beautiful…may be people used to bless her with such prayers… she was one of her kind…

When she expired I was so tender to know what had happened…. Why everyone around was crying… I was crying just because ma was crying… I actually couldn’t understand that thing at that moment…I understand it now and it’s very sad…

I saw none like her now…she was wonderful….

I never said her but I guess...she would have known… I love u… we all do…

TRUST.........in RUST.........

In today's world where everything seems like a sham, trust has become a rare commodity... its very difficult to find someone to trust and its equally difficult to find someone who trusts you. So its obviously not just rare but valuable too. Or maybe not. Especially when its broken and assaulted by the very few people who you consider close to your heart.

Now all this jazzy shit aside, I wonder how one person starts believing or trusting the other. What is it that makes you trust someone? What is it that makes you accept that person without questioning their intentions?

Its like an extreme adventure sport, you don’t know what you are getting in to till you come out all fine, or otherwise for that matter. You expose the most vulnerable feelings, emotions, secrets and all that stuff - with full confidence in that person that it wont come back to haunt you. Unknowingly and unintentionally, you are gearing other people to take advantage of you... while you expect and believe that it wont happen.

Now why do we humans do that?? Like why do we believe that someone is good enough to be "THAT" person who will keep your trust safe and will not break it at the drop of a hat??

Neat - ain't it... like a vicious circle - unless u fall, u will not know if the person you "TRUST" will save you. But unless you trust someone, you wont try falling... and if that trust is broken, you will fall n hurt pretty effectively.

So when do you know that someone is not being a friend or depending on you as a friend, but is instead manipulating your trust in them? Where do you draw that line and say - till u don cross that line, I will not let my ego rise but beyond this line, its my self respect that I must save? Is there really something like a selfless friendship or is it just a myth... cuz then we all should stick only to people who care and love us back equally. NO???

Results and Emotions..........

Yep!! result came...after a much wait.....infact me n a friend were just discussing about the date of result's announcement and just after a while we came to know that result have actually came..........
Finally....Became an engineer.............a graduate........................
umm........got 82%...expected around 84%...thanks to my HOD....he didnt gave our project enough marks....reason........



REWIND BACK...........
A day of our Project presentation.........
Since morning we guys were waiting for our turn....our was the last roll no thats too in second section B......
Firstly presentation of section A started at 9am.......our dear HOD was sitting and was screwing every kid....seeing each and every project in detail and with interest.....counting of section was about to reach the end...and HOD vanished for lunch or meeting or whatever at 1pm
No probs...it was quite a relaxation for may students...as teacher superseded and things flighted again at 02pm.....section A got completed....section B started and things were under control no pressure at until HOD arrived at 4:50pm..........just 3 rnoz. before ours.........
We all went under the hyper-tension...he started pin pointing mistakes...in the third last rno. project file...which could have been ignored as most of the students did the same things....My heart-beat started off like a rajdhani express.....I was feeling so cold...even though...the AC of our Computer lab never worked...I could still feeling chilly.......

Next roll no. went off....and just because he had a introduction of 2 page...instead of 1.5 page...he was asked to leave....at that very moment I got that sinking feeling....my partner was supportive but we both knew what was coming.....
4:55pm.....our turn.......nervously we wished our HOD good evening...even in the depths I was knowing it isn't good.....rather its far away from good.........its going to be the worse then ever..........I was praying that he might just disappear...or I get invisible........while thinking this at back of my mind...I sat just before him with my partner.... The very next words even proved it when he said those lines to a teacher near by..."how many students are left...wined up quickly...I haven't had lunch...its about to be 5:00 pm... I have to go back home..."


 I knew the worst has come...he's gonna take us off in a hip-nip and their goes the tonnes of toil and hard work and sleepless nights of my innocent partner...(you might be thinking why only my partner...that part will come later....) so when the teacher said "these are the only ones left (to be eaten up...)"....With his "Dracula Smile" " he asked the title of the project and he didn't even saw the file leave alone the project....and said some blah blah...and finally asked us to leave........I saw the clock.............dot 5:00pm.....I just felt like saying that F word for him...bloody loser.....

Just because he has to go home...we who were waiting since morning were just skipped in few seconds........
Then...what I came out was a saddest face and the blame game started between me and my partner....what was next...I was saw afraid that my 150 no. of project has gone off to the coffin....and all my anger got loose on my partner...even though he was the one who was feeling hurt..as it was all his work..he had spend days n nights on it....and I was just their for the namesake.....This feeling left me with intense abash....why was I blaming him...when there was only one person to be blamed....the one who wanted to risk our noz....just because it was 5:00pm...all the matter to him was to go home...........Bullshit on him......
I gathered up myself.....wiped the tears off my face...and put on the masked portrait smile....to make up to my partner....who needed the support more than me......

 Then the drama of searching for an approach followed....but all in vain...my partner...even got one....but I haven't got any...and I keep on taunting him on that....I know I shouldn't have...I didn't deserved any of it....But, I was doing it for no damn good reason...It was not ME....it was not me being all selfish.....no just ME......cannot be ME...............


PRESENT TIME.....
Anyways....time passed...and the result came...I was not happy with 82%... I was expecting around 84%....I saw my noz........all theory paper were superb...all the practical scores were good...but my project................got just 113....from the the rest of the class which scored anything b/w 130 to 147... just 20 no. more which could be easily achieved...if the HOD wanted......but....kick his butt....
Neways......Then I saw my partner's noz.........shit man........even he got the same 113....... no approach worked.........at that moment I remembered all the taunting and all the blames i throwed on him...for no good reason.....That moment I felt that "kash uski approach lag gayi hoti...he actually deserved it......"
But as they say....
words once said cannot be taken back...so use them well.............and use them wisely....

Even now I feel like crying...but I'll not...I just don't want to talk to anyone...I want just me.......and someone to listen...but this was no time to pour yourself out...as everyone is going to their own set of emotions.....
Thanks to the rains....they came down just in time for me.........
Seriously...m in love with rains...they fill you right through............................
Thanks to the Blog....it is better to have with you...when u actually want to have a someone to listen...It doesn't judge you...nor make faces...nor give advices...it just takes in what ever you write..............................
Whatever.......I completed my degree and I'm finally a Graduate....Its a BIG DAY...........and finally , happy..............Muaaaaaaaah.........

In short....Krishn ji ka lakh lakh dhanyawad..........since i was not even expecting that much in project....and waise be...Bhagwan ji jo kuch be kartr h aache k liye hi krte h..as my muma say it............I learned my lesson..............................

Happy Blogging..........................,,. 

Finally... :) after such a sad post.........................m smiling full-tuk........ :))

P.S. Plz don't ask any question regarding this post..........I had to vent it out so I did.............BTW...m happy now...that what matters..........

I have Never....................

I have never had a slim waist....(I tried many a times though!!!)....I've never danced till my heart content.....I've never met a Big movie star..... I've never had make up on....I'v never built sand castles.....I'v never build even a snowman......I'v never worn pencil heels....I'v never had hard drinks....I'v never won a contenst on radio or t.v.....I'v never liked too fancy sounding food.... I'v never danced atop a table..... I'v never been to a club.... I'v never driven a car..... I'v never stayed home alone all night.....I'v never starved myself (like d'oh).....I'v never swim in sea....I'v never been teacher's pet....I'v never stayed in a hospital.....I'v never had perfect hairs....I'v never made a good sketch...I'v never painted my nails with vague colors.... I'v never gone trekking.....I'v never got married...I'v never gone hunting....I'v never gone fishing.....I'v never been on a real ship.....I'v never seen a live match.... I'v never gotten stuck in an elevator with someone.....I'v never witnessed a fairytale.... I'v never gone rolling downhill on grass..... I'v never been abroad.....I'v never been to the southernmost tip of India...... I'v never topped a class..... I'v never had pets....I'v never worn a real short dress..... I'v never punched or hit someone.....I'v never felt extremely intelligent..... I'v never done black magic......I'v never been fitted in my sister's clothes....I'v never been able to finish my lunch on time....I'v never shouted at top of my voice....I'v never been too funny..... I'v never watched f.r.i.e.n.d.s..... I'v never stayed in an old mansion..... I'v never seen a gun for real.....I'v never coloured my hair....I'v never seen a dog eat homework.....

See! You, me and us. We'r ordinary people. Never must you feel that your life has been a black and white boring movie. Because, have no fear, Upasana is here. Her movie is an Oscar nominee for the black and white boring movie category :) Smile now.


But, I may have never done this that, but I have made people their ownselves with me.... I'm content :))


PS: If you wish to do this as a post on your blog, I won't call you a copy cat. Go ahead. Spread my awesomeness. Wheeeee!